How to gain respect from your children?… I have been asked this question many times. Usually, those who asked me already had fairly grown-up children, middle schoolers or older.
Talking to these people, I realized that in many cases, there was just a little difficulty and fear for parents in facing the transitional developmental phase from what is commonly referred to as “childhood” to preadolescence. And here, facilitating the parent’s understanding a bit can be enough good to improve the relationship.
It’s a moment of great change, in which there is the objective difficulty of understanding what distance to keep from one’s child, what boundaries they are asking for, and where their need for attention ends. So, it can be complicated to figure out how to gain respect from your children and manage their tantrums.
In other cases, this delicate moment, which is part of the history of all of us who have gone through it, was instead experienced with more conflict; a confrontation that can be very painful.
When there is a good habit of dialogue, negotiation, and a proper respect for each other and agreed-upon rules, this tension is generally much lighter; it leaves room for broader discussion.
Sometimes, however, the opposition between preadolescent child and parent is so strong that it freezes relationships and creates very heavy conflicts. In these situations, one must try to restore a dialogue that has been interrupted somewhere and has not allowed further opportunities for mediation.
That’s why I insist so much on the habit of dialoguing with your child; to ensure that there is always a sufficiently mature and relaxed relationship from a very young age, allowing both the parent and the child to always face every new and complex situation with the necessary openness; to find a shared and functional solution to the problems encountered and avoid falling into heated arguments or distressing silences.
However, it is true that this is not enough to eliminate all the tensions that arise during preadolescence. But if there is a way to properly balance the needs of growth, breaking away, and self-determination of the child with their need to maintain the bond with the person who has provided security until that moment, that way is by working from the very beginning, from their earliest years, towards a constant, attentive, and participatory dialogue in all their special moments, both the good and the bad ones.
When adolescence comes and your child is no longer a child, as they are giving way to a young person with a new identity, both externally and internally, know that they will need to return to you to find consolation for the frustrations that scare them in the adult world.
And they will do so only if they know they can find an open door from someone willing to welcome them. If this thought exists in your daughter’s or son’s mind, then rest assured that they will come back at the right time. If you believe that the distance is already too great, try to reduce it. Take the first step, embrace the discomfort, and initiate a relaxing conversation; even if it’s just acknowledging the need for everyone to feel a little better.
Throughout your child’s childhood, you have the opportunity to build a good habit of dialogue and negotiation, so you can face the challenges of growth with a greater number of tools at your disposal. Try to seize it. There are many ways, for example:
– Involve your child in decisions that concern them: in this way, you allow them to feel involved in the choices and capable of responsibly intervening when asked to decide.
– Reduce areas of conflict: set your educational style on shades of gray, not just on black/white choices, yes/no, out/in; there are maybes, doubts, middle grounds. Well, those can be managed together, even with very young children.
– Make them understand your thoughts are not based on preconceptions: the best way to be credible is not to make hasty judgments about things, not to hide behind a judgment based solely on your own experience, which you possess but they don’t.
– Do not respond to provocation with provocation: accept the challenge, but face it openly and calmly, making them understand, if necessary, that they are the ones being brusque, not you.
“The challenge for parents is to accept being questioned as a point of reference… not feeling threatened by all this and still maintaining a positive connection with their child… The challenge for young people is to learn to differentiate themselves without destroying the relationship with their parents.” (Pellai, Tamburini)
Gaining respect from your children is not just about raising your voice; it actually depends on knowing how to communicate with maturity and affection, and knowing when to lower it when appropriate. If you have any experiences to share, feel free to leave a comment; I’m happy to hear your opinion.
Until next time!
