My experience teaches me that it is not uncommon to meet a parent who deems it necessary to be very strict in educating their children to obtain positive results, but this is not the only path to take. In fact, overly rigid parenting can often have negative effects on the parent-child relationship and the balanced growth of children.
Numerous studies show that an education approach based on love and understanding is much more effective in promoting healthy growth and personal fulfillment for children. Being too strict in educating one’s children is unnecessary; there are much more effective educational approaches that can promote their growth and preserve the relationship.
That’s why I want to explore with you the importance of an educational approach that can find the right balance between firmness and understanding, without falling into the extreme of strictness. We’ll look at the benefits of a more flexible educational approach and how to promote quality education without being too rigid with our children. To do this, we’ll analyze some fundamental aspects of education that require particular attention from parents. Let’s begin!
1. The failure of strict education: why punishment doesn't work
Until a few decades ago, children’s education was very rigid because society had clear values, roles, and norms, and there were strong expectations from parents for children to behave in a specific way. This generated the idea that the parent had to be very strict in education, and that children had to be disciplined to learn how to behave according to socially accepted and shared criteria.
This conception may have been functional in the past, but today it no longer has a reason to exist; today, this approach represents an educational failure, as it implies the inability of the parent to adapt education to the needs of the children.
The past system had led to the diffusion of an approach based on punishment and coercion as educational methods, instead of valuing communication and mutual understanding between parents and children. Fortunately, today, most parents and educational figures (educators, pedagogues, teachers, etc.) understand the importance of a more open and dialogic approach to children’s education; however, authoritarian ways have not completely disappeared.
In some circumstances, in fact, parents tend to adopt an authoritarian and repressive attitude, because they are convinced that the only solution to dealing with problems with their children is to impose rules and punishments to get the desired behaviour.
On the other hand, it should not be forgotten that in many cases, a contemporary parent with young or adolescent children was educated in a world where the rules I mentioned before prevailed. Therefore, it is normal for some legacies of the past to tend to survive and resurface in some circumstances.
However, this type of approach has many counterproductive effects, as the child feels misunderstood and frustrated, and their behaviour can worsen rather than improve.
2. The failure of permissive approach: why children need rules
While it is true that strict education has failed and it is not necessary to be very strict in educating children, it is also important to emphasize that it is wrong to let children do whatever they want. In fact, an excessively permissive approach towards children is very problematic for their growth.
On the one hand, we can say that the permissive model certainly represented a logical reaction of condemnation to the strict model of the past. On the other hand, the absence of rules does not allow the child to acquire the social norms that are indispensable for adapting to the world around them and reaching their highest levels of personal fulfillment.
The famous American pediatrician Benjamin Spock was among the first to promote permissive education; however, through the numerous criticisms that came to his method, Spock later realized that this approach needed to be revised. Indeed, it was equally unsuccessful as the strict and severe approach of the past.
I can easily empathize with children who were immersed in that reality until the 1960s/1970s, growing up with the fear of threats and even physical repercussions. So, I can humanly understand that the wave of protest of those years wanted to destroy everything that was seen as oppressive. The rules were considered as such, even though they were vital for the sustenance of society.
Children need clear rules and limits in addition to affection, reassurance, and trust to grow up solid. The two things together allow the child to acquire the autonomy and sense of responsibility indispensable for personal growth.
The lack of rules, on the other hand, can create in children a deep sense of insecurity, as they do not have precise reference points to orient themselves in the world. In many cases, the absence of rules that we see in some families creates in children a strong sense of omnipotence; however, this does not allow children to develop adequate adaptability and can send them into crisis when they are forced to make sacrifices.
The concepts of right and wrong, good and evil, and more generally, the moral development of the child pass through good adaptation to society.
3. Balancing rules and freedom in raising children
To effectively approach children’s upbringing, it is important to find a balance between rules and freedom. This need is crucial to promote the development of children’s autonomy in the best possible way.
Indeed, education about rules helps children understand the limits within which they can move and allows them to acquire respect for social norms. As I have said before, rules should not be considered fixed and immutable; it is important to give children a certain freedom of choice and expression, learning to adapt rules as the child’s needs transform with growth. In this way, it is possible to promote the development of their personality and skills.
Finding the right balance between rules and freedom is not always easy, I realize; however, it is a fundamental step to ensure a healthy and balanced growth of one’s children.
There are some practical strategies to maintain this balance, such as the importance of explaining to children the reasons behind the rules or finding compromises when possible. Finally, it is central to emphasize the importance of constant communication and mutual support between parents to create a serene and harmonious environment for the growth of children.
Now, I will illustrate a tool that can be very useful to put these strategies into practice.
4. The role of open and honest dialogue for children’s education
Now that we have seen how both strict and permissive approaches are inadequate, you may be wondering what characteristics an effective educational approach should have.
Open and honest dialogue between parents and children is undoubtedly a fundamental element of modern education. When speaking to their children in a respectful and open manner, a climate of trust and sharing is created and it allows them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
Furthermore, this form of dialogue also helps parents better understand their children and their needs, as well as allowing them to better explain to their children the motivations and choices of the parents, learning to respect them. In this way, a much more harmonious relationship is created between parents and children, and this promotes their emotional and relational development more effectively.
This attitude is already an excellent starting point for laying the foundations of a good education; there are also strategies to strengthen one’s educational role. I am thinking of effective communication techniques, active listening, and the use of open questions. These simple measures can help parents create an open environment for their children, who will be better predisposed to express their ideas and doubts.
If you need further suggestions on how to educate your child, you can read my brief Guide.
